I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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