her vagine was all disorganized.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
