I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
