I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
