Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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