totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
