so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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