He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
