Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
