I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
