I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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