Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
