It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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