Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
