She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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