mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
