I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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