end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
