I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
