Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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