My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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