I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You're a waste of cheezeits
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
