I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
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