my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
