then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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