Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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