I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My hand turned me down
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
