He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
