I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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