you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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