It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
