Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
