I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
