stop calling my apartment porn island.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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