And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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