Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
