I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
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