you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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