You're my little dorito
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
