I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
two words: eviction party
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
