I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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