Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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