i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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