It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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