fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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