It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
