"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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