Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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