I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
