If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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