where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
