Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My feet surprised me
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