? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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