i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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