Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
In other news, I just burned my penis
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
