You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
being pregnant is like rehab
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
